This always reminds me.

The second sunny day of summer doesn't warm my body like the first.
It doesn't convince me to get out of bed, to brush my hair, to put on my shoes.
The second day only feels like having the flu and a broken heart.
Tuesday feels like the middle of nowhere.
Like being chased by my own tail.
Like following the summer sun as it sets behind the mountains and comes back up the other side.
Tuesday feels like every day ten times over.
The second snow of winter doesn't smell of romance like the first.
It feels like dread and wet feet and a sore throat.
Like dirty hands and no sink.
The second snow of winter feels like the second sunny day of summer might never come.

Transposition.

I don't really know what to say but for some reason I feel like I need to say something.

This is what I've got:

Its late when you call.
Maybe 4 am...how am I to know
As I answer the phone.
Your voice sounds like a driven country road on the other end
And just as far away
But I Feel your fingers on my ribs from here
And I don't know whether to weep or smile at this moment
where we are happy
The fear remains of the known - this probably won't last, but maybe this time it will.
You being on the other end means everything, though you'll maintain it was a late night mistake and keep telling me it won't happen again.
But we both know it will, and soon.
And you'll keep pretending it doesn't mean something, and I will keep pretending I don't know any better.
And I don't, really.
Because I keep answering the phone, and wondering if you truly don't know what that feeling is, or if you just don't know how to get the words out.
But I won't push, I'll just answer again.

Rape and Thank-you

If you don't know what I am talking about, then read this first.

I read a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff that could be categorized as social commentary, or maybe simply just human interest, I don't know. Generally I care a lot less about the 'what' and a lot more about the 'how' and the 'why' of things. I don't think it is unusual to think this way. Anyway, I read all of these things, and frequently I share them with people I know, who would agree or find it interesting. Sometimes they share things back.

Today a female friend passed along an article written in response to the recent ruling against two underage men (or boys? I have yet to decide how I feel most comfortable addressing them). I'm not sure if I would have ever found this article on my own, so I need to thank her for showing it to me.

After reading it, I was profoundly overcome. Most writing that makes me feel this way inspires me to pass it along to the next reader I feel might appreciate it. But it is on my facebook page. and now it is here, and millions of other places on the world wide web I'm sure. But I feel like I needed to say thank-you.

So, to Henry Rollins, thank-you. So frequently I find that men writing about women and their rights, no matter how well intentioned, remains to appear condescending, or like women "need" a man to speak up for them because they aren't capable of having a voice for themselves. I don't know whether or not any of this is true, but I do know that I really felt like an equal while reading this. And I felt so thankful to hear someone say that it is not okay for me to be treated like a possession, or like I had no emotions. That I am not something to be used in a play for power. Not that I haven't heard this before, just that I've never heard someone say it in a way that made me feel like they weren't talking about a baby or an animal.

So here is my two cents on the fight for feminism, I guess. I wouldn't really call myself a feminist in the typical sense. I mean, I want to be equal, but I guess I just don't see it as the battle that other women seem to observe. I'm probably being really naive in saying that. I guess what I figure is, that I was a woman who worked in a highly male dominated industry that I had to leave because I couldn't get the experience I needed. The reason I couldn't get that experience was because those with the power to provide it to me believed it wasn't safe for a young woman to be in that environment. They might have been right. I was small, not very physically strong, 22 and naive. I am still small and weak and naive. But even after that experience, I never really felt like I needed to become a feminist to defend my rights.   I sometimes think if women weren't so hard on each other it wouldn't be as bad - we aren't a very good team sometimes. I guess maybe I just haven't examined my femininity very personally before.

In his response, Henry Rollins asks the question of why women would dress so provocatively that they risk having a photo of their nipple taken, and suggests that men be subjected to the same insensitive practice. We dress this way because it makes us feel attractive. It is human nature, I guess, and fuck if I want to wear a 3 inch wide tube top to cover my nipples well that is a weird thing to do I guess but that sure doesn't mean I am forced to accept unwanted sexual solicitations, and that REALLY doesn't mean it is okay to rape me or otherwise defile my body in any way. And seriously, don't take pictures, and definitely don't post them on the internet. You will get caught that way. Honestly, that is really stupid.

I guess my deeper issue with this is that I feel most attractive when I expose my legs or my breasts or some other sexualized part of my body. I mean, I like the way I look, and I like to wear cut off shorts in the summer when its hot, but sometimes I would just like to wear a long sleeve, crew neck dress, and still feel sexy. Which is hard. And it really is because of men. Men make women feel like it is the exposure of skin and curves that make us attractive. Men have set that standard for us, we didn't choose it. Not each man specifically but this is so deeply ingrained in our society that there is pretty much no way it could ever be changed within my lifetime, or my kids lifetime, or their kids lifetime. But we have porn and strip clubs and rape and women will forever feel the need to wear fewer and fewer inches of fabric to cover their "wobbly bits" and thus feel attractive.

I really didn't expect this to be as long as it is now. I thought I just wanted to say thanks, but I guess I had a lot more on my mind than that. I don't mean to come off preachy or self-righteous, although it probably does because I have a way of doing that and then offending people. But really I just think this: I don't want to be raped. I don't want any of the girls I know to be raped. I don't even want the girls I know to feel like they have to reveal themselves in order to feel attractive. I think maybe if we talked more, if we educated more kids, if we had heroes of all races and sexes and religions, we would probably all be better people. I don't know what sort of scary environment would result in two boys raping a young girl, filming it, and laughing all the way through, but it makes so many parts of me hurt to imagine it.

Henry Rollins, thank you for making me realize all these things about being a woman tonight. I imagine that when people talk about men making women feel strong and powerful this is what they mean. I'm not going to show up to work tomorrow in a mini skirt, but at least I know that the next time I do decide to show some skin, I won't feel guilty about being mad at men who think I am "asking for it". 

Nobody asks for rape, because the minute you do it isn't rape anymore.

P.S. On the topic of the length of their sentence - its true that they likely wouldn't be more sorry for having served a longer sentence, but I just wish they could suffer in pain the way the girl whose life they have savagely broken will for the rest of her life. I want them in jail not so that they will learn, but so that they will suffer. I'm sick and twisted maybe, but thats what I would want.