Now I will stand on this hill alone. beyond reach, beyond reproach.
I will stay here and reach down to the hands below me, but I will never come down.
I expect to remain until truly passionate, painful, dangerous, ruining, consuming, overwhelming, destroying love reaches up and pulls me down.
Then I will fall down the hill, feet first, then head, then feet again.
I will be broken and torn and wrecked and bloody and barely able to stand again, these million pieces of me all left to belong to someone else.
Until then I remain, whole and alone, on my hill. To be touched but not yet broken.
A curation of the things I like and narcissistic rambling
Friday 15 February 2013
Thursday 7 February 2013
Things I've learned today - February 7, 2013
- Sarcasm is a crutch, but its a great one.
- The best way to get out of answering the question "what are you doing?" is to answer it in the most immediate sense. When people really want to know about my current employment, relatiionship status, or otherwise, I prefer this conversation:
"what are you doing?"
"eating this handful of almonds."
I thank New Girl for this.
- Happiness, for me, is a job at Disney. not forever, but just to see what it would be like.
- I've always thought that the question of what one does for a living is as rude as asking how much a person makes. I don't ask it if I can avoid it. I thought I was strange for thinking this, but it turns out I'm not alone.
Some days I learn more things than others. Some days I am more willing to appreciate what I've learned. I need to try to be more conscious of this, remember it, and write it down, so that I can use those little things to create bigger ones.
- The best way to get out of answering the question "what are you doing?" is to answer it in the most immediate sense. When people really want to know about my current employment, relatiionship status, or otherwise, I prefer this conversation:
"what are you doing?"
"eating this handful of almonds."
I thank New Girl for this.
- Happiness, for me, is a job at Disney. not forever, but just to see what it would be like.
- I've always thought that the question of what one does for a living is as rude as asking how much a person makes. I don't ask it if I can avoid it. I thought I was strange for thinking this, but it turns out I'm not alone.
Some days I learn more things than others. Some days I am more willing to appreciate what I've learned. I need to try to be more conscious of this, remember it, and write it down, so that I can use those little things to create bigger ones.
Monday 4 February 2013
When you don't think things could get any worse...
...they inevitably do.
I need to stop and be thankful for a moment that I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and the people I love are healthy.
But depression. Seriously. I described it recently as feeling as though you are living your life for someone else. You don't feel alive, you live because you have to, you live to get by. Its something nearly impossible to describe to people who haven't felt it before. David Letterman said to Oprah that depression feels like "you get on an elevator and the bottom drops out. You can't stand looking at the sunlight, you can't wait to get back into bed at night..." It sounds so simple yet its exactly true. Every time the sun shines it feels worse, like it is a reminder of how everyone else is so happy and excited to be out in the sun, and all you want to do is crawl back into the dark. Depression eats you from the inside.
I suffer from depression as a result of a generalized anxiety disorder with Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. The anxiety eats all your energy until you have nothing left but to remain in a depressive state. depression is almost a way of controlling the anxiety and OCD tendencies.
When I was first being diagnosed, I remember my doctor going through her litany of questions about how I feel and how I function. At one point early on she asked me "has anything happened that might have triggered these feelings?" I thought to myself "what hasn't happened?" There is always something - this break-up, that family tragedy, this loneliness, that homesickness, this fall out with a friend, that bad grade at school, this work problem....I had an endless stream of things that were causing me to feel this way. Everyone does, that is just how life works. It is full of ups and downs, and its all about riding those and getting stronger from them. My problem was not that these things were happening, it was my inability to cope. One small setback sent me into a tailspin, and if there wasn't something wrong I felt panicked and was sure that I was just waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
Right now it feels like I can't catch a break. I have moved back in with my parents, I have no job and no money, I have been dropped from the program I was hoping to take at school, and the guy I thought had great potential was less than kind about leading me on and then calling things off when his ex came back in the picture. None of it really sounds that bad. None of it really is that bad. But it feels like my world is ending, like I'm living for everyone else and not for myself.
I want to be able to write about how I have overcome this illness and now I live a happy life, but I can't yet. This is a really hard fight, harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought by acknowledging there was a problem and trying to get better everything would just get easier but it doesn't. It takes a fight, and I haven't won yet. I really hope I do someday, and I have to have faith in that, especially today when it feels like I'll never just be happy.
Someday I will write about my fight and what it took for me to be happy, but for now all I can say is that this is how I feel, and its awful, and I would give anything not to feel this way anymore.
I need to stop and be thankful for a moment that I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and the people I love are healthy.
But depression. Seriously. I described it recently as feeling as though you are living your life for someone else. You don't feel alive, you live because you have to, you live to get by. Its something nearly impossible to describe to people who haven't felt it before. David Letterman said to Oprah that depression feels like "you get on an elevator and the bottom drops out. You can't stand looking at the sunlight, you can't wait to get back into bed at night..." It sounds so simple yet its exactly true. Every time the sun shines it feels worse, like it is a reminder of how everyone else is so happy and excited to be out in the sun, and all you want to do is crawl back into the dark. Depression eats you from the inside.
I suffer from depression as a result of a generalized anxiety disorder with Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. The anxiety eats all your energy until you have nothing left but to remain in a depressive state. depression is almost a way of controlling the anxiety and OCD tendencies.
When I was first being diagnosed, I remember my doctor going through her litany of questions about how I feel and how I function. At one point early on she asked me "has anything happened that might have triggered these feelings?" I thought to myself "what hasn't happened?" There is always something - this break-up, that family tragedy, this loneliness, that homesickness, this fall out with a friend, that bad grade at school, this work problem....I had an endless stream of things that were causing me to feel this way. Everyone does, that is just how life works. It is full of ups and downs, and its all about riding those and getting stronger from them. My problem was not that these things were happening, it was my inability to cope. One small setback sent me into a tailspin, and if there wasn't something wrong I felt panicked and was sure that I was just waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
Right now it feels like I can't catch a break. I have moved back in with my parents, I have no job and no money, I have been dropped from the program I was hoping to take at school, and the guy I thought had great potential was less than kind about leading me on and then calling things off when his ex came back in the picture. None of it really sounds that bad. None of it really is that bad. But it feels like my world is ending, like I'm living for everyone else and not for myself.
I want to be able to write about how I have overcome this illness and now I live a happy life, but I can't yet. This is a really hard fight, harder than I ever thought it would be. I thought by acknowledging there was a problem and trying to get better everything would just get easier but it doesn't. It takes a fight, and I haven't won yet. I really hope I do someday, and I have to have faith in that, especially today when it feels like I'll never just be happy.
Someday I will write about my fight and what it took for me to be happy, but for now all I can say is that this is how I feel, and its awful, and I would give anything not to feel this way anymore.
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